Let's Get Big!

       This week was the last week at Portland Center for Spiritual Living focused on The Art of Uncertainty by Dennis Merritt Jones.  Sharon focused on the idea of 'conscious choices.' She said even the word 'art' refers to a 'a skill we choose to develop, study, and pay attention to.' I have been butting heads a lot with this concept in my personal life, as now more than ever my poetry project is becoming something I have to keep choosing to do, rather than to let it fall by the wayside and become nothing.  When I first conceived of the idea and got a vision in my head about what I wanted to do, it was very exciting and romantic.  It was like "Yes! I wrote this cool poem and it has this goofy made up compound noun in it, and that makes my think of this pretty image... and I have some other poetry TOO so I'll just put it all together and BOOM! I'll have a book." It's quite comical to think that it could have felt that way at some point. But the emphasis I want to make is on how easy it was to get the idea in my head and then pursue it on an almost unconscious level. It just seemed like such an intuitive and straightforward thing that I would try to do this that I started and didn't look back for almost two months straight...

       Now that I have the collection about halfway finished and moving along nicely, I have been really looking into and pursuing the actually bookmaking aspect of it. And that has been a lot more complicated than I initially took into consideration. I mean, for one thing, it took all this time just to look at all the many different publishing options I had and to make a decision about which routes to pursue.  There is still the whole factor of money--a lot goes in before a purchasable book comes out--but I'm hoping that will just kind of work itself out, heh.  And then once I decided I wanted to start with handmade books there were a million other little details to consider. And new obstacles and forks in the road keep bubbling up at any moment, unexpectedly. So now where I am currently at is trying to understand and accept that if this project is something I really want--and if it is going to be what I envision it to be--it is going to be somewhat all-consuming: time-wise, money-wise, resource-wise, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It is what I want to make and it is what I want to give.  But that means really looking hard at my other ideas for myself and maybe letting some things wait and letting some things get smaller.

       As Sharon puts it, "Sometimes we have to let go of the life we have planned so we can accept the life that is waiting for us." And this is definitely not the first time I have had to do that. And I'm positive it won't be the last.  But it is a matter of changing your vision of your future to fall in line with what is really sticking out to you as 'the right thing' or 'where you need to be right now.'  Sometimes we have a different vision that doesn't actually incorporate a whole lot of what we would consider the truth of ourselves or the truth of the world around us.

       Sharon asks us "How invested are you in your own life?" She observed that sometimes we end up being the spectators to our lives more than just the actors.   I think I spent a very long period of time in that mindset, where I preferred not to act, to make changes, or to confront emotions, but instead to just let things happen to me as they would.  I have been done with that mindset for quite a while, but even now it is good to be reminded not to slip into it. Part of me, when I'm full of fear and doubts about what I'm doing, starts to feel a desire to slip into a passive way of being.  But once you have really ACTED for yourself and done something with your life, if you are conscious of that, you would hopefully just feel heartbroken to slip into the background of it.  It's your life.  You are in the spotlight.  And that spotlight is BIG and BRIGHT and all for you.  Don't waste it. Also, if you've ever acted you know that if you just stand there doing nothing, you're only going to sweat under the hot lights and notice how exposed you are. And you'll probably wet your pants or run away. Is that something you really want? ;-)

       Sharon says (or maybe the book says...) "It's choice not change that determines where you end up." This made me think of river rafting.  I thought of life as this river rapid, full of strong currents that are never going to stop coming, But they are going to shift unpredictably and they are guaranteed to throw you around. But the choices you make in the raft determine whether you have a safe and exciting ride or get thrown off the edge of a waterfall (like in silly movies).  At any rate, you can't really blame the water can you?  For changing or for pushing too hard or for coming at you when you least expect it? It wouldn't do you any good.  The best you can do is get the right tools and skills to know how to adapt and to control your own course.  Sharon says to "make choices out loud." Own them and commit to them sometimes.  You'd be surprised how much putting something out there really pushes you to make it happen and get it right...

       But what if I make a mistake? What if I make a choice OUT LOUD to do something, and it doesn't turn out how I hoped and it turns out that maybe it shouldn't have happened.  Or what if I've hardly made a damn conscious choice in my whole life? Do it now.  If you have done it before, and it got royally fucked up, do it again! "No one's keeping track of you and your standing really. That was yesterday. It's gone. What are you gonna do now?" Did you make a lot of mistakes?  So did Sufjan Stevens in Chicago. Get over it.  He's hugely successful.  Have you never made a choice? So be it. You're capable of starting.  Just choose to start. There, you have one under your belt. Fantastic. Congratulations.

       Keep going, make more conscious choices, every second. And build something. Create something.  Give something a name.   Have a kid. Fly a kite. Confront your boss and get a promotion. Buy a house. Be independent. Ask someone out.  Kiss them! Invite more people to be around you more.  Pay attention to them and ask them questions. Find out, so that their experience is a part of your experience.  Learn things. READ READ READ! Study.  Develop an art, even an unconventional one, even an art where you are the ONLY person who would label it that without poking fun.  Be brave. Be loud. Be yourself, but make yourself BIG. Bigger than you ever thought you could be.  Your kite won't fly, your boss says no, your crush tells you to get bent, who cares? Tomorrow is another day.  And trying to get big, couldn't possibly make you smaller than you already are now. I promise it. Open up your life and let it get bigger. It's really cool. I asssure you.

       Just please do it in a conscious way. This doesn't mean dancing into moving traffic or approaching dangerous strangers with track marks and inviting them to a party at your house because you're "Really BIG now."  That is one way to get big, but it could put you in an early grave. And each new day is a chance to get even bigger. So why cut it short by being stupid?  You don't have to. Just think things through and make intentional decisions about how you want your life to be bigger. And then do something about it and it will be.

       Making conscious choices improves your life.  When you recognize the uncertainty of everything, but you don't let it cripple you, instead you let it become a beautiful crazy dance you're doing, and that is when you really feel courageous and incredible. Courageous and incredible enough to dance at bus stops and really not care who is watching. Every single day, even.  Seriously.  As Sharon put it, "To me it's like everyday is Christmas and I'm the present."  Open yourself up.  See what's inside!  Give yourself to someone.  Don't be afraid. Tomorrow is another day, and  you'll be all wrapped up again in the morning and they'll be something else totally new to take out.  But a present that can't be opened... people kind of lose interest.  Nobody really wants it.  They can't get to the good stuff.  You can't get to your OWN good stuff.  Why would YOU want to be such a thing?  Ignore everyone else for a second.  Before you even think about the goodies inside you have for other people, think of giving yourself something special.  And remember, "certainty and uncertainty are made up things. They are human created concepts, neither of which are really real." Life is not uncertain or certain. It just is.  If there is no uncertainty, and no certainty either, what is there to fear? And you are neither special or unspecial. You just are.  And when you can't be unspecial, but there's no pressure to be special either, what is there to hide?

       My favorite part of the service this Sunday was at the very end and it was a direct quote from The Art of Uncertainty (which I haven't read by the way but I now feel like I have).  I will finish with it because I couldn't say anything quite so poetic on the topic even if I tried.

"May you always approach the edge 

of your uncertainty and lean over,

knowing you were meant to soar."

       Well, you heard the man. Go ahead! Get along little birdy! Look down! Look over the edge. Whoo! Wtf? That shit is crazy.  I know man... I know... it's cool though right?  Good.  Love you.