But I was on the sidewalk and a man came by walking two dogs. Lately when I smoke I am very conscious of whether or not it is (or may potentially be) bothering someone around me, even strangers. I often hold my exhale until after a stranger passes by. So I put my cigarette behind me and I stepped off the sidewalk to make room for him and his dogs to pass. I felt embarrassed and in the way. I smiled anyway and observed his presence with caring and attentiveness.
He responded with a smile and a hello. And then he said, "How are you today?" And I said "Good. Thank you." And then he passed on to the other side of the sidewalk with his little companions and disappeared....
At that moment, I realized that I was in my yoga pants, a tshirt, and my new favorite slippers, which are dark brown and a bit furry. My hair was still wet from showering... I noticed that I'm in a "home" level of arrangement because I wasn't thinking of my going out to have a cigarette on the sidewalk as a public experience. This could have contributed to my embarrassment in that moment and vulnerability.
His friendliness spoke to me about how, really, at that moment, the sidewalk was both his public space and my home. It is an extension of my home territory. And that is how I felt about being out there. His kindness and forgiveness--because in my mind I felt the need to be forgiven for smoking at that instant--sent acknowledgment of the space toward me. A recognition of its constitution both to me and to him in this happening. And I felt comforted, to think and to understand. Not because it was important or profound, but because processing relieved my guilt and embarrassment and allowed me to return to just being. In my home and in public at the same time.
